


Just One Time

by GeorgiesLeftArm



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Reddie, Self-Harm, Soft Eddie, Stubborn Richie, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:06:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24331048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeorgiesLeftArm/pseuds/GeorgiesLeftArm
Summary: Richie blamed himself for everything. He was never good enough. Never anyone's first choice. Richie always told himself it was just that one time. And then one night hit him harder than he could have ever thought. Just one time, words that weighed on him. Because can 'just one time' ever be true?
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Kudos: 55





	Just One Time

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this on a whim just because. Why not? We all love some angst and feels.

Only one time. The words hung heavy on Richie’s mind, the guilt pulling him further down into the dark hole he had dug himself into. There was no one to blame  _ but  _ himself. It wasn’t that he didn’t love or trust Eddie because he did. More than anything in the world. Eddie was all he needed and more...but there were moments Richie felt..trapped. Felt like he needed to get out of his own mind and no one, not even Eddie, would be able to understand. The nightmares still plagued Richie’s mind, swearing no matter how many showers he took he could still feel Eddie’s blood soaking through his shirt, seeping into his very bones. A constant reminder of yet another one of his failures. He had failed to protect Eddie. Something he swore since they were kids he would always do. All those nights Eddie would climb through his window in a panic just wanting to get away from his mother, all the summers he was convinced he had some incurable disease and Richie was always there to nurse him back to health. Richie was always there to help pick up his broken pieces and make him feel whole again. In that one moment Richie failed. He hadn’t acted quick enough and his fear almost took Eddie’s life. It hadn’t been an easy road after it had all been said and done. Eddie spent months in and out of the hospital between counseling and physical therapy and Richie was there every step of the way. He had a shot at redemption and he would not rest until Eddie was happy and healthy again. But..it still weighed on him. On those nights Eddie would wake up in a cold sweat after another nightmare Richie would be there with open arms to comfort and hold him, then that little voice in the back of his mind would seep back into him like Eddie’s blood on his skin. 

_ ‘He’s broken because of you. He almost died because of you. This is your fault, Richie.  _

_ You could not protect him.’ _

He had only done it once when he was 16. When he felt hopeless and felt...wrong for the way he felt, the way his heart skipped a beat anytime Eddie settled in the hammock with him. The way Eddie’s laugh made him smile and want to just hold him forever. Everything about Eddie made Richie fall head over heels. And that scared him more than anything. Richie spent nights crying over the realization his feelings for Eddie went far beyond the line of friendship. It was  _ wrong  _ something that had been drilled into his head by his shithead father when he found out Richie was gay. Richie hid it well. Compensated with overly sexual jokes and deflected any worrying remarks or stares with yet another joke. But it got too heavy, the weight of hiding who he was dragging him further and further down. It was only one time. Richie had sat there in the middle of his bed with a dull knife he had stolen from the kitchen. He wasn’t really too sure of what he was doing as he stared down at his pale unmarked wrist. Richie knew he didn’t want to die, but he was in pain. He needed some sort of relief. He thought the physical pain would...maybe outweigh the emotional and mental pain. It was only one time. Just a little pressure from the dull blade, just a few cuts scattered on his wrist. And in that moment Richie felt.. Free. He felt like all of his burdens were finally lifted if even for just a moment. And it was then his window opened and panic set in. Richie hadn’t had the time to even try to hide what he was doing to himself before Eddie was suddenly all but attacking him. He had sat back and watched as Eddie pulled out one of his many first-aid kits from his backpack. Let him clean and bandage him up as he listened to his ramblings. 

_ “I swear to  god Richie I leave you alone for two minutes and you do this. I knew something was wrong do- do you even  know what kind of infections you could have gotten had I not been here to clean these? You...you could get a blood infection or..or...fuck if it got bad enough they could amuptate your damn arm do you want to live with only one arm?!” _

And that is what Richie loved most about Eddie. The fact he didn’t get mad at him for  _ what _ he did but over the carelessness. Eddie wasn’t exactly happy Richie had done it but he knew Richie well enough to not call him out to his face right away, wanted to take care of him rather than make him more upset by getting angry. That was the night that Richie knew without a doubt he had fallen in love with Eddie. Words and emotions he wouldn’t get the chance to tell him until over 27 years later when Eddie finally woke up in the hospital and Richie’s emotions came breaking through and all of his walls crumbling. Like the floodgate had finally opened. Now here he was, six months after it all. Eddie was peacefully asleep in their shared bed in their small apartment just outside of the city. And Richie was  _ happy _ . Truly for once in his life happy. But the nightmares were still there. Still plagued his thoughts and his dreams. He blamed himself for Eddie’s months of pain and torment, for the scars, for the nightmares. If Richie had just ended it that night when he was 16...if he had the guts to maybe none of that would have ever happened. Eddie would have left unscaved and better off. Eddie had been asleep for hours and Richie tried, he tried to sleep but everything felt too heavy. Everything was too.. _ much _ . What started as pacing and a few drinks ended with Richie sitting in their small bathroom, stolen kitchen knife in hand. Richie couldn’t see through the fog on his glasses from his soft sobs, gently running his thumb along old faded scars. Scars that he remembered at the time took the pain away. If it worked once why would it not work again? 

Here, so many years later, Richie sat. On a cold tile floor rather than a soft bed. The love of his life sleeping just beyond the door. The man that made Richie really see what true love was all about. The man that almost died in his arms. The man he planned to spend all of the rest of his days with. Here Richie sat, gliding the blade over old faded scars from so long ago. The crimson that spilled took the pain away, made him  _ feel _ again. And here an hour later he still sat, with Eddie sitting between his legs bandaging him up once again. With no anger. No yelling. Now just.. _ understanding _ . The difference between then and now? Now after Eddie finished he pulled Richie to his feet and led him back to  _ their _ bed. Tucked him in and curled up next to him. The last thing Richie heard before he passed out were Eddie’s soft words, ‘ _ I love you, you idiot.’  _

Richie fell asleep with a smile on his face that night. And for once since seeing the love of his life impaled right in front of him, Richie slept peacefully with no nightmares. His love, his rock, his soulmate next to him in his arms. Things would be okay. It was only two times.  _’_


End file.
